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| Redding's first Annual AFSP "Out of the Darkness" Walk 2014 |
A few months ago I participated in my third Suicide Awareness and Prevention walk with a few of my friends. It was my hometowns first annual walk and I was so excited our town was finally participating in one! You see cancer fundraisers and walks for causes all over the place, and don't get me wrong, those are all extremely important, but because of my personal connection with suicide, I believe "Out of the darkness walks" as they call them, are just as important! The cause is just as real and worth fighting for as a walk or fundraiser for cancer is. Suicide is a cancer in a way if you think about it. It's a disease of the mind that is absolutely incurable by any amount of doctors. It's absolutely a person's choice to end their own life, and is often described of as selfish. But the process that got them to that point, whether it be a tortured childhood, bullying, mental illness, or experiencing a tragic loss that triggered a snowball effect of emotions, is still real. It's a disease of the mind otherwise known as depression. Some experience a miracle and are able to pull themselves out of the deepest pit of heartache and sadness, others are not. Much like cancer.
The organization that has constructed this huge community and support group for the "survivors of suicide", is called AFSP or American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Whether you are a friend or family member trying to survive life without your loved one that took their own life, or you are the attempted suicide victim, this organization is here to help you with your process of healing, which as I am learning is a lifelong process. I'm only three years in and my struggle has only scratched the surface. I'm just now able to recognize I need help to heal, and that it's okay that I'm just now ready to admit that I'm not healed.
I've tried to mask it for about a year. I tried not to talk about my situation with my friends and family that often because in my head I thought it was a taboo subject since it's been so long. But the word "long" is relative. It's only been three years. The first year I was in a haze just trying to survive again and get back into my daily routine, the second year I was planning my wedding and didn't want to depress that exciting time with thoughts and feelings of sadness and like my heart was missing a huge piece, but it was! Reflecting on that, I am grateful for my ignorance to my heart screaming at me in a way, trying to plan a wedding and be happy in a fake way would not have been an ideal bride to be. Since my dad passed away so much of my life has changed. I'm married now, and when I get upset about him not walking me down the aisle, I just remind myself to be grateful that he at least knew my husband and he approved of him as my boyfriend, and I'm sure he would be thrilled we got married. What am I saying!?...He knows! I believe he was there. But I will spare you my thoughts on the afterlife for now.
Back to the amazing AFSP walks I've participated in! These walks have shown me so much! The first walk I attended was with my mom. It was in Salinas at the community college. I remember not wanting to go, but my mom insisted it would be a good experience. So, we went! And it was great! It made me realize that I really wasn't alone in this journey and that this stigma on the word "suicide" that I had been carrying when speaking of my dad, could be lifted. It didn't have to be a dirty word. The looks that people gave me when they heard what happened, made me feel like an alien at first. It was like the word "suicide" and "dad was a coward" were written on my forehead! This AFSP walk changed that for me! In my everyday life nobody could understand my pain, and not a whole lot of people were sympathetic to my loss. A lot of people shamed his name and shunned my family and I like we were the new disease scare of the year. A lot of those people unfortunately were once very close to me. You sure do learn a lot about people when you experience a tragedy! Then there are those hidden diamonds in the rough, people who you never expected to care, actually cared a whole lot! I have grown closer than ever to those few lucky gems!
The second walk I attended was in my hometown as well, it was just a small turn out at our local community college and the event didn't get much media coverage. It was still a great time of healing for me. My fiance (now husband) and my mom went with me to this one. I was so excited Kyle got to experience it with me because he is literally the only person who knows every second of the tragic night we lost my dad as well as I do. Maybe even more so, as he unfortunately was the person to find my dad that night. This walk was the first time I heard anyone speak about their own story, and the first time I actually cared to listen. I went through a short time where I literally could not care less about anyone else's story of loss and I definitely could not be bothered by friends petty daily issues. I was in a very dark place. I listened to a girl at the walk, speak about the loss of her sister. It was a very emotional story, and for the first time since my own flesh and blood had ended their life, I felt a connection to someone else who experienced the same thing!
The third and most recent walk I attended, I decided to get more people involved! I created a team and got my friends to sign up with me and make t-shirts in memory of not only my dad, but loved ones they have lost. I learned a lot about a few of my friends that week. I learned suicide is all around us. You never know who has been through what in life, and you especially can't know the loss they have endured just by looking at them. I felt so connected to my dad during this walk. It was the first walk I cried at. It was the first walk I brought a picture with me to post on the "Remembrance" wall. It was the first walk that I truly felt like "Ok, I'm ready to kick this causes ass and raise awareness!" And so I have! I donate every month to this cause, and I am constantly on their website searching for new walks I could participate in. I hope next year to be more involved and host my own fundraiser in some way. A couple friends and my husband and I have been toying with ideas of what we could do to raise awareness.
Suicide may not be curable, but I believe depression can be reversed by the love, faith, and support of friends and family. Mental illness needs to be handled with care and understanding. You can change a life with a few kind words and great listening skills, I truly believe that! Invest in someone's quality of life! Seek help for yourself or others who may be struggling with depression, thoughts of suicide and may have a mental illness that isn't diagnosed yet!
www.afsp.org has a lot of helpful links and support hotlines to better help you understand suicide/mental illness and all the organization stands for!
