Time is Relative, Memories are Forever

  August, 2015
  I'm one of those bloggers who writes something months in advance and sits on the thought for awhile before I actually publish the story. This is another post I wrote a few months ago that I just didn't feel like I was ready to share with the world, and I didn't feel like it was the right time to publish it. I'm so glad I waited, because now I know why I did.

   My best friend recently lost her Grandfather. She's never had anyone close to her like this pass away, so I have had really strong urges to console her in the best way I know how, and in a way I know that she receives love. I first texted her back and forth the first day, then left her alone until she came to me. Sent her a prayer I thought might help, then left her alone again. Then I decided I would leave a card and a rose on her car at work to let her know I was thinking of her that day and baked some cookies to drop off at her house when I knew she wouldn't be home.
   We're so similar in so many ways, but in this we are so very different. I'm more outward about wanting to discuss my feelings and be around people, and she's much more reserved and can become somewhat of a hermit in times of distress. Both are perfectly okay ways to deal with loss. Neither approach is better than the other. We all deal with grief differently. It's taken me awhile to learn her ways and understand why she needs to have more alone time than me. When my Dad passed away, I couldn't handle being alone. If I was ever going to be home alone for more than half an hour, I would drive to a store (usually Target or TJ Maxx) to keep busy and be in public, or go to work just to hang out with my boss in the office because I just NEEDED to be around people to get out of my head. Being alone with my thoughts just tore me up. My best friend deals with life changing events much differently than me, and that's perfectly okay! We both come out stronger and still happy in the end.
So, my dearest Ashley & Llama,this story is for you!

  June, 2015

  So, I was in the grocery store the other day....

  If any of you reading this know me, you probably know that grocery shopping, especially alone, isn't my favorite chore in the world! I love food, love cooking, and love experimenting in the kitchen, but being in a crowded store picking out the food, gives me social anxiety. Probably because most people in the store think I'm a kid, and I get a complex about being stared at. I'm always under the assumption that everyone around me is wondering why a 12 year old is alone in the store going grocery shopping.

  Anyway, back to the reason I'm even writing this today.

I was in the store the other day and ran into an older gentleman shopping in the cat food aisle, as was I. He was chuckling at the list in front of him that his wife wrote for him. He couldn't find the brand he was looking for. I have a soft spot in my heart for little old men, so I naturally thought this was the cutest thing in the world. I overheard him continue to grumble to himself, and I happened to see what he was looking for, so I pointed it out to him. He graciously thanked me, and I grabbed what I needed and left the aisle to continue on with my shopping.        

  About 15 minutes later I run into the same old man again. This time we were in the coffee aisle. He was busy chatting with a woman and her daughter. They were standing right in front of where I needed to be to get my coffee. This man's mannerisms reminded me of my Grandpa on my Dad's side. So much so that it made me burst in tears! I hadn't thought about that Grandpa in so long! This man dressed like him, talked like him, walked like him..it was uncanny! As I was watching this man chat with the woman and her daughter, I walked closer and made my way to the coffee I needed to grab! As I was kneeling down to pick out my coffee, I hear the old man ask the little girl if she knows how to talk like Donald Duck! She shook her head "no", so the man offered to teach her. I could tell the Mom of the little girl was completely over this man bombarding them with conversation. But her daughter really liked him and thought he was the funniest thing! So, this man begins to teach the little girl how to talk like Donald Duck. I lost it! Tears started running down my face and I felt like I couldn't control it! It brought me back to being 9 years old and my Dad and Grandpa teaching me how to talk like Donald Duck. It felt like a lifetime of memories and feelings rush through my body in that 5 minutes. I felt hot inside. My blood felt like it was boiling, but not from anger. I knew I needed to leave the store immediately. So, after I composed myself, I stood up and quickly left the coffee aisle. I purchased my items and left without finishing my shopping. My drive home was filled with an ugly cry and a phone call to my best friend.

   So, my point in sharing this, is that it doesn't matter how much time has passed, sometimes something inside you gets triggered when you least expect it. And it is totally okay to fall apart if you need to! There's no time limit on grief. It can happen on your wedding day, or in a grocery store in the coffee aisle. If I've learned anything from my experiences with loss and grief, it's that there's no right amount of time to be healed. There's no amount of memories that can make the pain go away. But those memories can offer peace of mind! They can put a smile on your face and remind you of the loved one that you now get to have as a guardian angel for the rest of your life!              

Christmas

    I started writing this post about Christmas last year, and I never published it because it was too hard for me to finish. I wanted it to be perfect and reflect my feelings exactly, before I shared it with the world. Well, it may not be perfect, but I think I'm ready to share.

December, 2014
   It's that time of year again where joy is all around! It's the holiday season! Most people love this time of year! I haven't loved it so much the last three years, but I'm making an effort this year to get into the holiday spirit like I did growing up. I'm listening to Christmas music every day and putting all my Christmas decorations out. I even have a few DIY Christmas gift ideas rattling around in my brain.

  The last three Christmases have been really weird for my family and I. Since my Dad passed away we actually haven't spent the holiday together. By the time Christmas rolled around in 2011, the year my dad passed away, it had only been 9 months since he was gone. It might sound like a long enough time to enjoy the holiday season, but for my family Christmas wasn't just Christmas. Christmas was also my Dad's birthday, so we had to deal with two really big "firsts" without him on the same day. It was really hard for all of us. My mom I would say probably had the hardest time of all because December 21st was also their wedding anniversary. I have no idea her pain that first year and I certainly can't speak for her, but I think she just needed to leave old memories behind that first Christmas and try to enjoy the holiday as much as she could. So, her and my Grandparents went away that week. They got a cabin at the coast and had a quiet weekend away with a few of my Papa's family members as well. I work retail, so I was unable to go with them, but even if I could have, I probably wouldn't. I felt like someone needed to be home to be with  my Dad on his birthday! I was adamant about visiting the cemetery and having a birthday balloon, flowers and a hickory farms summer sausage and cheese to share with him at his headstone in his memory. While my mom and Grandparents were at the coast that year, I spent the holiday with my boyfriends family and a few of my best friends at my best friends mom's house.
   We always spent part of the day with my boyfriend's family, but to spend that whole day with them and try to attempt to be somewhat happy about the day, was tough on me. All I wanted to do was sleep the day away and skip Christmas all together. I bucked up though, and did our usual trips around town to different family members houses, with the exception of my family. My only vivid memory of that first Christmas however, was sitting around the table making crazy sound effect noises with my brother in law, Steve. That was the highlight of my day and I will never forget the amount of laughter we all had that hour. Let's just talk about how I can't make sound affects for anything! Dogs, Planes, guns...I can't do any of them! We have this craziness all caught on video thankfully, so anytime I need a good laugh, I can watch the insanity that is my attempt at sound affects and Steve's natural talent with them!

    The second Christmas (2012), my Mom and Grandma decided to go to L.A to see the rest of my family, then fly to Ohio so my Grandma could see her sisters. They had a great time and I'm so glad my Grandma got to see her sisters again. While they were on their family reunion, I was with my fiance's family again. This time around I think I was able to enjoy the day a little more. We had a really low key Christmas dinner at Marie Callendars with Kyle's Mom and Garno. We got a Christmas tree in the Walmart parking lot that year which was a first for me. My family and I always cut our tree down or had a really big fake one up! Never in a million years did I think I would pick out a tree in a garden center, already wrapped up with no idea what it would look like once we opened it. It turned out okay!

   The third Christmas was hard in a completely different aspect, that is just too darn messy to share with the world yet. I think I need to do some healing before I explain the craziness that happened on Christmas in 2013.

   So here we are at Christmas 2014, and I have no idea what to expect. I don't know what our plans are yet. My mind is flooded with memories this time of year. Christmas as a kid was always so special for me! My parents and Grandparents would go all out every year for me! My mom and I would make fudge for the family, decorate our Christmas tree to Holiday classics like Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole. My Grandma would spoil me to death with a pile of presents as big as me, and what always made Christmas extra special to me was that it was my Dad's birthday! Who gets to share a birthday with Jesus!? Too cool! He wasn't a fan of his big day, but my mom and I always made it a big deal at some point during the day! Usually in the morning we would make breakfast for him and open gifts. By lunch we would have sang happy birthday and had him blow out his candles! A tradition for us was to listen to him grumble as he would open his presents. He was always a big Grinch about it, but by the time he got to my annual present of a Hickory Farms Summer Sausage and Cheese, his eyes would be lit up with joy and he was ready to eat the entire rest of the day!

   I miss those Christmases spent with my Dad. Life was so simple. Being a kid at Christmastime surrounded by family, is so very often taken for granted. You never think that someday those traditions might not be able to happen. I hate knowing I never get to celebrate my Dad's birthday with him ever again. It sucks that this happy holiday has carved a deep cut in my heart. It's hard watching everyone around me be filled with joy at this time of year, and I'm still struggling to breathe through the day and plaster a smile on my face so I appear okay to whoever I'm with that year. I don't love that I haven't seen my family for Christmas since 2010. All I can do is pray that each year gets a little easier to celebrate. I pray for my heart to be healed enough to genuinely enjoy Christmas again!