Time is Relative, Memories are Forever

  August, 2015
  I'm one of those bloggers who writes something months in advance and sits on the thought for awhile before I actually publish the story. This is another post I wrote a few months ago that I just didn't feel like I was ready to share with the world, and I didn't feel like it was the right time to publish it. I'm so glad I waited, because now I know why I did.

   My best friend recently lost her Grandfather. She's never had anyone close to her like this pass away, so I have had really strong urges to console her in the best way I know how, and in a way I know that she receives love. I first texted her back and forth the first day, then left her alone until she came to me. Sent her a prayer I thought might help, then left her alone again. Then I decided I would leave a card and a rose on her car at work to let her know I was thinking of her that day and baked some cookies to drop off at her house when I knew she wouldn't be home.
   We're so similar in so many ways, but in this we are so very different. I'm more outward about wanting to discuss my feelings and be around people, and she's much more reserved and can become somewhat of a hermit in times of distress. Both are perfectly okay ways to deal with loss. Neither approach is better than the other. We all deal with grief differently. It's taken me awhile to learn her ways and understand why she needs to have more alone time than me. When my Dad passed away, I couldn't handle being alone. If I was ever going to be home alone for more than half an hour, I would drive to a store (usually Target or TJ Maxx) to keep busy and be in public, or go to work just to hang out with my boss in the office because I just NEEDED to be around people to get out of my head. Being alone with my thoughts just tore me up. My best friend deals with life changing events much differently than me, and that's perfectly okay! We both come out stronger and still happy in the end.
So, my dearest Ashley & Llama,this story is for you!

  June, 2015

  So, I was in the grocery store the other day....

  If any of you reading this know me, you probably know that grocery shopping, especially alone, isn't my favorite chore in the world! I love food, love cooking, and love experimenting in the kitchen, but being in a crowded store picking out the food, gives me social anxiety. Probably because most people in the store think I'm a kid, and I get a complex about being stared at. I'm always under the assumption that everyone around me is wondering why a 12 year old is alone in the store going grocery shopping.

  Anyway, back to the reason I'm even writing this today.

I was in the store the other day and ran into an older gentleman shopping in the cat food aisle, as was I. He was chuckling at the list in front of him that his wife wrote for him. He couldn't find the brand he was looking for. I have a soft spot in my heart for little old men, so I naturally thought this was the cutest thing in the world. I overheard him continue to grumble to himself, and I happened to see what he was looking for, so I pointed it out to him. He graciously thanked me, and I grabbed what I needed and left the aisle to continue on with my shopping.        

  About 15 minutes later I run into the same old man again. This time we were in the coffee aisle. He was busy chatting with a woman and her daughter. They were standing right in front of where I needed to be to get my coffee. This man's mannerisms reminded me of my Grandpa on my Dad's side. So much so that it made me burst in tears! I hadn't thought about that Grandpa in so long! This man dressed like him, talked like him, walked like him..it was uncanny! As I was watching this man chat with the woman and her daughter, I walked closer and made my way to the coffee I needed to grab! As I was kneeling down to pick out my coffee, I hear the old man ask the little girl if she knows how to talk like Donald Duck! She shook her head "no", so the man offered to teach her. I could tell the Mom of the little girl was completely over this man bombarding them with conversation. But her daughter really liked him and thought he was the funniest thing! So, this man begins to teach the little girl how to talk like Donald Duck. I lost it! Tears started running down my face and I felt like I couldn't control it! It brought me back to being 9 years old and my Dad and Grandpa teaching me how to talk like Donald Duck. It felt like a lifetime of memories and feelings rush through my body in that 5 minutes. I felt hot inside. My blood felt like it was boiling, but not from anger. I knew I needed to leave the store immediately. So, after I composed myself, I stood up and quickly left the coffee aisle. I purchased my items and left without finishing my shopping. My drive home was filled with an ugly cry and a phone call to my best friend.

   So, my point in sharing this, is that it doesn't matter how much time has passed, sometimes something inside you gets triggered when you least expect it. And it is totally okay to fall apart if you need to! There's no time limit on grief. It can happen on your wedding day, or in a grocery store in the coffee aisle. If I've learned anything from my experiences with loss and grief, it's that there's no right amount of time to be healed. There's no amount of memories that can make the pain go away. But those memories can offer peace of mind! They can put a smile on your face and remind you of the loved one that you now get to have as a guardian angel for the rest of your life!