Time is Relative, Memories are Forever

  August, 2015
  I'm one of those bloggers who writes something months in advance and sits on the thought for awhile before I actually publish the story. This is another post I wrote a few months ago that I just didn't feel like I was ready to share with the world, and I didn't feel like it was the right time to publish it. I'm so glad I waited, because now I know why I did.

   My best friend recently lost her Grandfather. She's never had anyone close to her like this pass away, so I have had really strong urges to console her in the best way I know how, and in a way I know that she receives love. I first texted her back and forth the first day, then left her alone until she came to me. Sent her a prayer I thought might help, then left her alone again. Then I decided I would leave a card and a rose on her car at work to let her know I was thinking of her that day and baked some cookies to drop off at her house when I knew she wouldn't be home.
   We're so similar in so many ways, but in this we are so very different. I'm more outward about wanting to discuss my feelings and be around people, and she's much more reserved and can become somewhat of a hermit in times of distress. Both are perfectly okay ways to deal with loss. Neither approach is better than the other. We all deal with grief differently. It's taken me awhile to learn her ways and understand why she needs to have more alone time than me. When my Dad passed away, I couldn't handle being alone. If I was ever going to be home alone for more than half an hour, I would drive to a store (usually Target or TJ Maxx) to keep busy and be in public, or go to work just to hang out with my boss in the office because I just NEEDED to be around people to get out of my head. Being alone with my thoughts just tore me up. My best friend deals with life changing events much differently than me, and that's perfectly okay! We both come out stronger and still happy in the end.
So, my dearest Ashley & Llama,this story is for you!

  June, 2015

  So, I was in the grocery store the other day....

  If any of you reading this know me, you probably know that grocery shopping, especially alone, isn't my favorite chore in the world! I love food, love cooking, and love experimenting in the kitchen, but being in a crowded store picking out the food, gives me social anxiety. Probably because most people in the store think I'm a kid, and I get a complex about being stared at. I'm always under the assumption that everyone around me is wondering why a 12 year old is alone in the store going grocery shopping.

  Anyway, back to the reason I'm even writing this today.

I was in the store the other day and ran into an older gentleman shopping in the cat food aisle, as was I. He was chuckling at the list in front of him that his wife wrote for him. He couldn't find the brand he was looking for. I have a soft spot in my heart for little old men, so I naturally thought this was the cutest thing in the world. I overheard him continue to grumble to himself, and I happened to see what he was looking for, so I pointed it out to him. He graciously thanked me, and I grabbed what I needed and left the aisle to continue on with my shopping.        

  About 15 minutes later I run into the same old man again. This time we were in the coffee aisle. He was busy chatting with a woman and her daughter. They were standing right in front of where I needed to be to get my coffee. This man's mannerisms reminded me of my Grandpa on my Dad's side. So much so that it made me burst in tears! I hadn't thought about that Grandpa in so long! This man dressed like him, talked like him, walked like him..it was uncanny! As I was watching this man chat with the woman and her daughter, I walked closer and made my way to the coffee I needed to grab! As I was kneeling down to pick out my coffee, I hear the old man ask the little girl if she knows how to talk like Donald Duck! She shook her head "no", so the man offered to teach her. I could tell the Mom of the little girl was completely over this man bombarding them with conversation. But her daughter really liked him and thought he was the funniest thing! So, this man begins to teach the little girl how to talk like Donald Duck. I lost it! Tears started running down my face and I felt like I couldn't control it! It brought me back to being 9 years old and my Dad and Grandpa teaching me how to talk like Donald Duck. It felt like a lifetime of memories and feelings rush through my body in that 5 minutes. I felt hot inside. My blood felt like it was boiling, but not from anger. I knew I needed to leave the store immediately. So, after I composed myself, I stood up and quickly left the coffee aisle. I purchased my items and left without finishing my shopping. My drive home was filled with an ugly cry and a phone call to my best friend.

   So, my point in sharing this, is that it doesn't matter how much time has passed, sometimes something inside you gets triggered when you least expect it. And it is totally okay to fall apart if you need to! There's no time limit on grief. It can happen on your wedding day, or in a grocery store in the coffee aisle. If I've learned anything from my experiences with loss and grief, it's that there's no right amount of time to be healed. There's no amount of memories that can make the pain go away. But those memories can offer peace of mind! They can put a smile on your face and remind you of the loved one that you now get to have as a guardian angel for the rest of your life!              

Christmas

    I started writing this post about Christmas last year, and I never published it because it was too hard for me to finish. I wanted it to be perfect and reflect my feelings exactly, before I shared it with the world. Well, it may not be perfect, but I think I'm ready to share.

December, 2014
   It's that time of year again where joy is all around! It's the holiday season! Most people love this time of year! I haven't loved it so much the last three years, but I'm making an effort this year to get into the holiday spirit like I did growing up. I'm listening to Christmas music every day and putting all my Christmas decorations out. I even have a few DIY Christmas gift ideas rattling around in my brain.

  The last three Christmases have been really weird for my family and I. Since my Dad passed away we actually haven't spent the holiday together. By the time Christmas rolled around in 2011, the year my dad passed away, it had only been 9 months since he was gone. It might sound like a long enough time to enjoy the holiday season, but for my family Christmas wasn't just Christmas. Christmas was also my Dad's birthday, so we had to deal with two really big "firsts" without him on the same day. It was really hard for all of us. My mom I would say probably had the hardest time of all because December 21st was also their wedding anniversary. I have no idea her pain that first year and I certainly can't speak for her, but I think she just needed to leave old memories behind that first Christmas and try to enjoy the holiday as much as she could. So, her and my Grandparents went away that week. They got a cabin at the coast and had a quiet weekend away with a few of my Papa's family members as well. I work retail, so I was unable to go with them, but even if I could have, I probably wouldn't. I felt like someone needed to be home to be with  my Dad on his birthday! I was adamant about visiting the cemetery and having a birthday balloon, flowers and a hickory farms summer sausage and cheese to share with him at his headstone in his memory. While my mom and Grandparents were at the coast that year, I spent the holiday with my boyfriends family and a few of my best friends at my best friends mom's house.
   We always spent part of the day with my boyfriend's family, but to spend that whole day with them and try to attempt to be somewhat happy about the day, was tough on me. All I wanted to do was sleep the day away and skip Christmas all together. I bucked up though, and did our usual trips around town to different family members houses, with the exception of my family. My only vivid memory of that first Christmas however, was sitting around the table making crazy sound effect noises with my brother in law, Steve. That was the highlight of my day and I will never forget the amount of laughter we all had that hour. Let's just talk about how I can't make sound affects for anything! Dogs, Planes, guns...I can't do any of them! We have this craziness all caught on video thankfully, so anytime I need a good laugh, I can watch the insanity that is my attempt at sound affects and Steve's natural talent with them!

    The second Christmas (2012), my Mom and Grandma decided to go to L.A to see the rest of my family, then fly to Ohio so my Grandma could see her sisters. They had a great time and I'm so glad my Grandma got to see her sisters again. While they were on their family reunion, I was with my fiance's family again. This time around I think I was able to enjoy the day a little more. We had a really low key Christmas dinner at Marie Callendars with Kyle's Mom and Garno. We got a Christmas tree in the Walmart parking lot that year which was a first for me. My family and I always cut our tree down or had a really big fake one up! Never in a million years did I think I would pick out a tree in a garden center, already wrapped up with no idea what it would look like once we opened it. It turned out okay!

   The third Christmas was hard in a completely different aspect, that is just too darn messy to share with the world yet. I think I need to do some healing before I explain the craziness that happened on Christmas in 2013.

   So here we are at Christmas 2014, and I have no idea what to expect. I don't know what our plans are yet. My mind is flooded with memories this time of year. Christmas as a kid was always so special for me! My parents and Grandparents would go all out every year for me! My mom and I would make fudge for the family, decorate our Christmas tree to Holiday classics like Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole. My Grandma would spoil me to death with a pile of presents as big as me, and what always made Christmas extra special to me was that it was my Dad's birthday! Who gets to share a birthday with Jesus!? Too cool! He wasn't a fan of his big day, but my mom and I always made it a big deal at some point during the day! Usually in the morning we would make breakfast for him and open gifts. By lunch we would have sang happy birthday and had him blow out his candles! A tradition for us was to listen to him grumble as he would open his presents. He was always a big Grinch about it, but by the time he got to my annual present of a Hickory Farms Summer Sausage and Cheese, his eyes would be lit up with joy and he was ready to eat the entire rest of the day!

   I miss those Christmases spent with my Dad. Life was so simple. Being a kid at Christmastime surrounded by family, is so very often taken for granted. You never think that someday those traditions might not be able to happen. I hate knowing I never get to celebrate my Dad's birthday with him ever again. It sucks that this happy holiday has carved a deep cut in my heart. It's hard watching everyone around me be filled with joy at this time of year, and I'm still struggling to breathe through the day and plaster a smile on my face so I appear okay to whoever I'm with that year. I don't love that I haven't seen my family for Christmas since 2010. All I can do is pray that each year gets a little easier to celebrate. I pray for my heart to be healed enough to genuinely enjoy Christmas again!

Walk for a cause unspoken

 

Redding's first Annual AFSP "Out of the Darkness" Walk 2014

  A few months ago I participated in my third Suicide Awareness and Prevention walk with a few of my friends. It was my hometowns first annual walk and I was so excited our town was finally participating in one! You see cancer fundraisers and walks for causes all over the place, and don't get me wrong, those are all extremely important, but because of my personal connection with suicide, I believe "Out of the darkness walks" as they call them, are just as important! The cause is just as real and worth fighting for as a walk or fundraiser for cancer is. Suicide is a cancer in a way if you think about it. It's a disease of the mind that is absolutely incurable by any amount of doctors. It's absolutely a person's choice to end their own life, and is often described of as selfish. But the process that got them to that point, whether it be a tortured childhood, bullying, mental illness, or experiencing a tragic loss that triggered a snowball effect of emotions, is still real. It's a disease of the mind otherwise known as depression. Some experience a miracle and are able to pull themselves out of the deepest pit of heartache and sadness, others are not. Much like cancer.
   The organization that has constructed this huge community and support group for the "survivors of suicide", is called AFSP or American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Whether you are a friend or family member trying to survive life without your loved one that took their own life, or you are the attempted suicide victim, this organization is here to help you with your process of healing, which as I am learning is a lifelong process. I'm only three years in and my struggle has only scratched the surface. I'm just now able to recognize I need help to heal, and that it's okay that I'm just now ready to admit that I'm not healed.
   I've tried to mask it for about a year. I tried not to talk about my situation with my friends and family that often because in my head I thought it was a taboo subject since it's been so long. But the word "long" is relative. It's only been three years. The first year I was in a haze just trying to survive again and get back into my daily routine, the second year I was planning my wedding and didn't want to depress that exciting time with thoughts and feelings of sadness and like my heart was missing a huge piece, but it was! Reflecting on that, I am grateful for my ignorance to my heart screaming at me in a way, trying to plan a wedding and be happy in a fake way would not have been an ideal bride to be. Since my dad passed away so much of my life has changed. I'm married now, and when I get upset about him not walking me down the aisle, I just remind myself to be grateful that he at least knew my husband and he approved of him as my boyfriend, and I'm sure he would be thrilled we got married. What am I saying!?...He knows! I believe he was there. But I will spare you my thoughts on the afterlife for now.
   Back to the amazing AFSP walks I've participated in! These walks have shown me so much! The first walk I attended was with my mom. It was in Salinas at the community college. I remember not wanting to go, but my mom insisted it would be a good experience. So, we went! And it was great! It made me realize that I really wasn't alone in this journey and that this stigma on the word "suicide" that I had been carrying when speaking of my dad, could be lifted. It didn't have to be a dirty word. The looks that people gave me when they heard what happened, made me feel like an alien at first. It was like the word "suicide" and "dad was a coward" were written on my forehead! This AFSP walk changed that for me! In my everyday life nobody could understand my pain, and not a whole lot of people were sympathetic to my loss. A lot of people shamed his name and shunned my family and I like we were the new disease scare of the year. A lot of those people unfortunately were once very close to me. You sure do learn a lot about people when you experience a tragedy! Then there are those hidden diamonds in the rough, people who you never expected to care, actually cared a whole lot! I have grown closer than ever to those few lucky gems!
   The second walk I attended was in my hometown as well, it was just a small turn out at our local community college and the event didn't get much media coverage. It was still a great time of healing for me. My fiance (now husband) and my mom went with me to this one. I was so excited Kyle got to experience it with me because he is literally the only person who knows every second of the tragic night we lost my dad as well as I do. Maybe even more so, as he unfortunately was the person to find my dad that night. This walk was the first time I heard anyone speak about their own story, and the first time I actually cared to listen. I went through a short time where I literally could not care less about anyone else's story of loss and I definitely could not be bothered by friends petty daily issues. I was in a very dark place. I listened to a girl at the walk, speak about the loss of her sister. It was a very emotional story, and for the first time since my own flesh and blood had ended their life, I felt a connection to someone else who experienced the same thing!
   The third and most recent walk I attended, I decided to get more people involved! I created a team and got my friends to sign up with me and make t-shirts in memory of not only my dad, but loved ones they have lost. I learned a lot about a few of my friends that week. I learned suicide is all around us. You never know who has been through what in life, and you especially can't know the loss they have endured just by looking at them. I felt so connected to my dad during this walk. It was the first walk I cried at. It was the first walk I brought a picture with me to post on the "Remembrance" wall. It was the first walk that I truly felt like "Ok, I'm ready to kick this causes ass and raise awareness!" And so I have! I donate every month to this cause, and I am constantly on their website searching for new walks I could participate in. I hope next year to be more involved and host my own fundraiser in some way. A couple friends and my husband and I have been toying with ideas of what we could do to raise awareness.
   Suicide may not be curable, but I believe depression can be reversed by the love, faith, and support of friends and family. Mental illness needs to be handled with care and understanding. You can change a life with a few kind words and great listening skills, I truly believe that! Invest in someone's quality of life! Seek help for yourself or others who may be struggling with depression, thoughts of suicide and may have a mental illness that isn't diagnosed yet!
www.afsp.org has a lot of helpful links and support hotlines to better help you understand suicide/mental illness and all the organization stands for!

A song that says it all

  A little over a year ago one of my very best friends had me listen to a song while we were getting ready for a night out. Thinking we would be listening to the new Taylor Swift CD or Katy Perry single, I continued to do my makeup alongside my friend. Little did I know, this song would hit the nail on the head on how I had been trying to express myself when people would ask me about my dad and how I was doing. We listened to this song a few times on replay, and I tried to keep myself composed so I wouldn't freak out and cry all over my friend and ruin my makeup! Since that night I haven't listened to it again. Until today! Truth is, it scared me! It was absolutely insane to me how much my story connected with this song. Right down to the lyric about a certain holiday I had become sensitive about, Christmas! Everyone's favorite time of year right? Nope! Not mine! Not anymore! Well, at least not the last three years. See, Christmas is (was) my dad's birthday! So the last few Christmas mornings have been really different for me and really hard. For 22 years I had spent my Christmas mornings celebrating my dad with a big birthday breakfast, and my traditional gift to him of a Hickory Farms Summer Sausage and cheese! I still celebrate him with our tradition, just now its spent at a cemetery where I share the sausage and cheese with my dad next to his headstone. I'm sure my dad is looking down at me laughing as I do this, because he absolutely hated his birthday and celebrating it was as if it were a chore! But my mom and I always tried to make it a point to separate Christmas time from his birthday for a couple hours so he would feel special and like it was his day. Anyway, back to this song that speaks to me in profound ways when I can't express myself on my own..... It's a country song written by Miranda Lambert called "Over You". Here are the Lyrics

Weather man said it’s gonna snow

By now I should be used to the cold

Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary

It was only December

I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me

But you went away

How dare you?

I miss you

They say I’ll be OK

But I’m not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place

I think of you, and I’m not afraid

Your favorite records make me feel better

Cause you sing along

With every song

I know you didn’t mean to give them to me

But you went away

How dare you?

I miss you

They say I’ll be OK

But I’m not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone

Cause you went away,

How dare you?

I miss you

They say I’ll be OK

But I’m not going to ever get over you

  An intense amount of emotion pours over me when I listen to this song or watch the music video! It has made me cry probably 20 times tonight. I believe all tears of sadness are the first huge steps to healing! This song brings me back to the way I felt in the first year after his passing. I believe I handle it much better now, but Christmas is always a little hard. With it coming up on the holidays again, I can only hope and pray that I've healed enough to enjoy the holiday more and more each year.

  So, like I said, this song really tugs at my heart strings. Just like in the song, I also listen to my dad's favorite songs and musical artists often. Suddenly after he passed away, country music became my favorite genre and took up all of my preset stations in my car and still does to this day. I grew up with 90's country, but I stopped listening to it as a teenager. Now it makes me feel closer to him and in its own way and in my mind, keeps his memory alive.
  Thank You Ashley for supporting my journey in healing and making me listen to this song! I love you and am forever grateful for you in my life!

Through the Years! <3