I started writing this post about Christmas last year, and I never published it because it was too hard for me to finish. I wanted it to be perfect and reflect my feelings exactly, before I shared it with the world. Well, it may not be perfect, but I think I'm ready to share.
December, 2014
It's that time of year again where joy is all around! It's the holiday season! Most people love this time of year! I haven't loved it so much the last three years, but I'm making an effort this year to get into the holiday spirit like I did growing up. I'm listening to Christmas music every day and putting all my Christmas decorations out. I even have a few DIY Christmas gift ideas rattling around in my brain.
The last three Christmases have been really weird for my family and I. Since my Dad passed away we actually haven't spent the holiday together. By the time Christmas rolled around in 2011, the year my dad passed away, it had only been 9 months since he was gone. It might sound like a long enough time to enjoy the holiday season, but for my family Christmas wasn't just Christmas. Christmas was also my Dad's birthday, so we had to deal with two really big "firsts" without him on the same day. It was really hard for all of us. My mom I would say probably had the hardest time of all because December 21st was also their wedding anniversary. I have no idea her pain that first year and I certainly can't speak for her, but I think she just needed to leave old memories behind that first Christmas and try to enjoy the holiday as much as she could. So, her and my Grandparents went away that week. They got a cabin at the coast and had a quiet weekend away with a few of my Papa's family members as well. I work retail, so I was unable to go with them, but even if I could have, I probably wouldn't. I felt like someone needed to be home to be with my Dad on his birthday! I was adamant about visiting the cemetery and having a birthday balloon, flowers and a hickory farms summer sausage and cheese to share with him at his headstone in his memory. While my mom and Grandparents were at the coast that year, I spent the holiday with my boyfriends family and a few of my best friends at my best friends mom's house.
We always spent part of the day with my boyfriend's family, but to spend that whole day with them and try to attempt to be somewhat happy about the day, was tough on me. All I wanted to do was sleep the day away and skip Christmas all together. I bucked up though, and did our usual trips around town to different family members houses, with the exception of my family. My only vivid memory of that first Christmas however, was sitting around the table making crazy sound effect noises with my brother in law, Steve. That was the highlight of my day and I will never forget the amount of laughter we all had that hour. Let's just talk about how I can't make sound affects for anything! Dogs, Planes, guns...I can't do any of them! We have this craziness all caught on video thankfully, so anytime I need a good laugh, I can watch the insanity that is my attempt at sound affects and Steve's natural talent with them!
The second Christmas (2012), my Mom and Grandma decided to go to L.A to see the rest of my family, then fly to Ohio so my Grandma could see her sisters. They had a great time and I'm so glad my Grandma got to see her sisters again. While they were on their family reunion, I was with my fiance's family again. This time around I think I was able to enjoy the day a little more. We had a really low key Christmas dinner at Marie Callendars with Kyle's Mom and Garno. We got a Christmas tree in the Walmart parking lot that year which was a first for me. My family and I always cut our tree down or had a really big fake one up! Never in a million years did I think I would pick out a tree in a garden center, already wrapped up with no idea what it would look like once we opened it. It turned out okay!
The third Christmas was hard in a completely different aspect, that is just too darn messy to share with the world yet. I think I need to do some healing before I explain the craziness that happened on Christmas in 2013.
So here we are at Christmas 2014, and I have no idea what to expect. I don't know what our plans are yet. My mind is flooded with memories this time of year. Christmas as a kid was always so special for me! My parents and Grandparents would go all out every year for me! My mom and I would make fudge for the family, decorate our Christmas tree to Holiday classics like Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole. My Grandma would spoil me to death with a pile of presents as big as me, and what always made Christmas extra special to me was that it was my Dad's birthday! Who gets to share a birthday with Jesus!? Too cool! He wasn't a fan of his big day, but my mom and I always made it a big deal at some point during the day! Usually in the morning we would make breakfast for him and open gifts. By lunch we would have sang happy birthday and had him blow out his candles! A tradition for us was to listen to him grumble as he would open his presents. He was always a big Grinch about it, but by the time he got to my annual present of a Hickory Farms Summer Sausage and Cheese, his eyes would be lit up with joy and he was ready to eat the entire rest of the day!
I miss those Christmases spent with my Dad. Life was so simple. Being a kid at Christmastime surrounded by family, is so very often taken for granted. You never think that someday those traditions might not be able to happen. I hate knowing I never get to celebrate my Dad's birthday with him ever again. It sucks that this happy holiday has carved a deep cut in my heart. It's hard watching everyone around me be filled with joy at this time of year, and I'm still struggling to breathe through the day and plaster a smile on my face so I appear okay to whoever I'm with that year. I don't love that I haven't seen my family for Christmas since 2010. All I can do is pray that each year gets a little easier to celebrate. I pray for my heart to be healed enough to genuinely enjoy Christmas again!
December, 2014
It's that time of year again where joy is all around! It's the holiday season! Most people love this time of year! I haven't loved it so much the last three years, but I'm making an effort this year to get into the holiday spirit like I did growing up. I'm listening to Christmas music every day and putting all my Christmas decorations out. I even have a few DIY Christmas gift ideas rattling around in my brain.
The last three Christmases have been really weird for my family and I. Since my Dad passed away we actually haven't spent the holiday together. By the time Christmas rolled around in 2011, the year my dad passed away, it had only been 9 months since he was gone. It might sound like a long enough time to enjoy the holiday season, but for my family Christmas wasn't just Christmas. Christmas was also my Dad's birthday, so we had to deal with two really big "firsts" without him on the same day. It was really hard for all of us. My mom I would say probably had the hardest time of all because December 21st was also their wedding anniversary. I have no idea her pain that first year and I certainly can't speak for her, but I think she just needed to leave old memories behind that first Christmas and try to enjoy the holiday as much as she could. So, her and my Grandparents went away that week. They got a cabin at the coast and had a quiet weekend away with a few of my Papa's family members as well. I work retail, so I was unable to go with them, but even if I could have, I probably wouldn't. I felt like someone needed to be home to be with my Dad on his birthday! I was adamant about visiting the cemetery and having a birthday balloon, flowers and a hickory farms summer sausage and cheese to share with him at his headstone in his memory. While my mom and Grandparents were at the coast that year, I spent the holiday with my boyfriends family and a few of my best friends at my best friends mom's house.
We always spent part of the day with my boyfriend's family, but to spend that whole day with them and try to attempt to be somewhat happy about the day, was tough on me. All I wanted to do was sleep the day away and skip Christmas all together. I bucked up though, and did our usual trips around town to different family members houses, with the exception of my family. My only vivid memory of that first Christmas however, was sitting around the table making crazy sound effect noises with my brother in law, Steve. That was the highlight of my day and I will never forget the amount of laughter we all had that hour. Let's just talk about how I can't make sound affects for anything! Dogs, Planes, guns...I can't do any of them! We have this craziness all caught on video thankfully, so anytime I need a good laugh, I can watch the insanity that is my attempt at sound affects and Steve's natural talent with them!
The second Christmas (2012), my Mom and Grandma decided to go to L.A to see the rest of my family, then fly to Ohio so my Grandma could see her sisters. They had a great time and I'm so glad my Grandma got to see her sisters again. While they were on their family reunion, I was with my fiance's family again. This time around I think I was able to enjoy the day a little more. We had a really low key Christmas dinner at Marie Callendars with Kyle's Mom and Garno. We got a Christmas tree in the Walmart parking lot that year which was a first for me. My family and I always cut our tree down or had a really big fake one up! Never in a million years did I think I would pick out a tree in a garden center, already wrapped up with no idea what it would look like once we opened it. It turned out okay!
The third Christmas was hard in a completely different aspect, that is just too darn messy to share with the world yet. I think I need to do some healing before I explain the craziness that happened on Christmas in 2013.
So here we are at Christmas 2014, and I have no idea what to expect. I don't know what our plans are yet. My mind is flooded with memories this time of year. Christmas as a kid was always so special for me! My parents and Grandparents would go all out every year for me! My mom and I would make fudge for the family, decorate our Christmas tree to Holiday classics like Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole. My Grandma would spoil me to death with a pile of presents as big as me, and what always made Christmas extra special to me was that it was my Dad's birthday! Who gets to share a birthday with Jesus!? Too cool! He wasn't a fan of his big day, but my mom and I always made it a big deal at some point during the day! Usually in the morning we would make breakfast for him and open gifts. By lunch we would have sang happy birthday and had him blow out his candles! A tradition for us was to listen to him grumble as he would open his presents. He was always a big Grinch about it, but by the time he got to my annual present of a Hickory Farms Summer Sausage and Cheese, his eyes would be lit up with joy and he was ready to eat the entire rest of the day!
I miss those Christmases spent with my Dad. Life was so simple. Being a kid at Christmastime surrounded by family, is so very often taken for granted. You never think that someday those traditions might not be able to happen. I hate knowing I never get to celebrate my Dad's birthday with him ever again. It sucks that this happy holiday has carved a deep cut in my heart. It's hard watching everyone around me be filled with joy at this time of year, and I'm still struggling to breathe through the day and plaster a smile on my face so I appear okay to whoever I'm with that year. I don't love that I haven't seen my family for Christmas since 2010. All I can do is pray that each year gets a little easier to celebrate. I pray for my heart to be healed enough to genuinely enjoy Christmas again!
So well written, I both laughed and cried!
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